Day 228: One Year and One Day

I had a great day today. I was reflecting as I do on my rides, and today I was thinking back to one year and one day ago. It was February 1st 2009, and I had been waiting very patiently for “N” to come home. As much as it was horrible living with her during the recent years of her alcohol abuse, I still deeply loved and cared for her.

In preparing for her return, I did everything that I was told by my therapist, and the counselors from her rehab facility. I even did what that I had learned through Al-anon meetings. I did my best to do what they said to do, and without question. I also did things to the house that I thought would make “N” happy. So, to the best of my ability I created a very “sober living environment” for her.

As I drove out to Serenity Knolls, I was holding onto the last remaining bit of hope that I had for our marriage. In Al-anon, as well as in Partners in Recovery, they drill into you that you should never lose hope. That said, and given that I was already so damaged by the past few years, it was really difficult for me to lift my chin off the ground, and then to support it with hope. Somehow I did just that, but only to have it squashed in the end.

The drive home was long and quiet. I feared to say anything that might somehow rock the boat. I didn’t want to create any fear or anxiety in her that would potentially lead to her return to drinking. I know now that there’s nothing that I can say or do to make someone drink. That’s their choice, and not mine. I didn’t fully understand that at the time, so I was still being really cautious in interacting with her.

Having “N” back with me, if one could have even called it that, was nothing like I had hoped for. In fact it was even more demoralizing than before. I’d been ignored during the years leading up to this point, and now in her post-rehab return home, she couldn’t have been colder or more distant. She carried an anger towards me that was uexplainable. Adding to that form of insulting behavior was the seemingly superficial closeness that she now had for people she'd known for less than two months. They got her attention, and I received none. I felt then, and still do, like she threw the baby out with the bath water.

I had held our lives together for so long, and with very little help from her, so when I received the cold-shoulder it was incredibly painful and insulting. She quite literally shunned me. It was truly surreal, unfortunate, and completely unnecessary.

I’ve learned a lot through this mess, but I wish that I never had to learn any of it, and that things simply could have played out differently. So today I look back with very bittersweet thoughts about my marriage, and all that has gone on during the past year. I can say this; I do know that I'm in a better place now than I was then, both physically and mentally. That's the good news.

I remain hopeful that I'll find happiness in a loving, thoughtful, and caring relationship, but dating again sounds like one big hornet's nest, and all people of my age seem to be carrying baggage from previous crappy relationships. Yippee, this sure sounds fun!

Distance: 18.33 miles
Calories burned: 1,952
Time: 1:58:37 hours
Elevation gain: 3,059 ft
Garmin Connect ride details: http://connect.garmin.com/activity/22889838