Day 235: Remaining Humble while in Recovery and Riding as Stress Relief

It is an understatement to say that the past two months have been difficult for me. Life is never generous in how it times the delivery of its blows. I’ve known that for over two decades now, but this time I've never felt so alone. It's completely untrue to say that I'm alone, because I'm not, but the feeling of loneliness has been there nonetheless. As I’ve learned over the past few years, it’s what you “feel” that truly matters.

So I did what I’ve done all of my life, and NOT what I’ve learned in the past year, in order to get through these difficult times. I can’t explain why I didn’t, or couldn’t, use my new toolset in order to get through these tough times. It wasn’t because of a lack of trying, but instead it was more about defaulting back to what I know. I should have trusted in the process that I’ve come to know in Al-anon. What can one do? “Progress, not perfection,” comes to mind for me.

I have family and friends that have been very concerned about me, and yet I’ve been very poor at communicating with them. That’s the old me. The old me would just deal with problem after problem, and get the job done. Like a broken record. In a way very admirable that I can suck it up and absorb so much, but it’s not smart. Period. A smart person relies on family, friends, and community, for support and assistance when they're having difficulties.

The funny thing for me is that I absolutely love being a “team player,” so why don’t I rely on my team, instead of thinking that I need to be some sort of super hero? I’m clearly no super hero, but I sure have acted the part for far too many years now. My main goal should be to simply become the person that I know that I can be. R2R has been keeping me as in line with that goal as possible, but not entirely, so I need to go back to the drawing board, and recommit to my effort to correct this imbalance. The good news is that I can at least recognize this now, whereas before I had no clue. Clueless in Mill Valley, has a nice ring to it!

The remedy is to keep doing my rides, and to get back to more regular Al-anon meetings. I need to remember that it’s OK to ask for help, and to offer it too, although that’s never been a problem for me. I need to remain close to my roots, meaning where I've been, and how I got there. Most importantly I need to remember the steps, and some more than others.

My buddy “B” was available to ride with me today when I finally got clear of all of my tasks, so we went out for a short, and yet fun lunch ride. We had great fun blowing off some steam today. He and I have been under tremendous stress lately, but for entirely different reasons. That makes for good conversation while one's heart rate is racing at over 160 bpm! We weren’t pushing it hard today by any means, but we were climbing up our favorite hill, and that takes a strong heart. Perhaps better put, it takes a lot of heart.

We rode back to town on the Tender Foot Trail that wiggles on down to the road on its loving single track. There are wet roots, rocks, trees, and it’s a long way down to the bottom if you fall! I’ve ridden this trail hundreds of times since I first rode it in 1990. That trail was a big deal to me back then, and now it’s more like hanging out with an old friend. Thanks for the ride today “B.”