The past year has caused some major graying of my hair. I was going gray before, but I’ve probably doubled my silver during the last year. It’s funny that Tugboat has gone gray too. His belly is even graying. It’s been a long and stressful year for the two of us, but I guess that he and I should simply be happy to be alive. I look forward to putting the past into a storage box so that I can be free again.On today’s ride I was thinking about how nice it was to have dinner with friends last night. It was so simple. During the final years of my marriage we seldom ever socialized. Our circle of friends had grown so incredibly small that I could count them on one hand. In retrospect, it was very sad to think that we had missed out on so many social gatherings, events, etc. I guess that I’m headed into a new chapter in my life, and one that’s filled with friends and family. I guess that its John Goggin v2.0, to put it into modern terminology.
I didn’t feel like riding alone today, but on a cold and gray day it can be tough to find people that want to ride. I could have attempted to get up in time for the 7:30 am departure of the Saturday Morning Ride, but that would have been tough. So instead I opted to ride solo again today. I'm trying to make sure that I'm not alone too much, but sometimes things just don't work out. I guess that I was feeling lonely today. ;-)
As I approached the Blithedale Canyon gate that crosses Railroad Grade, I noticed my new (Not so new at this point) friend “S.” I used to bump into her regularly while riding her bike up the Grade, but lately I’ve only seen her running. Today I asked her why she isn’t riding her bike, and she quickly responded that it’s too hard to clean her bike during the winter. I didn’t give her the “what for” right then, but I will have words with her the next time that I see her. Mountain bikes are meant to get dirty. ;-) And in fact, I don’t think that I muddied my bike at all today, so “S,” get that bike out of the rack…Tomorrow I’ll be riding back to Serenity Knolls so that I can attend their Partners in Recovery program. It’s been over a month since they had their last meeting, and frankly, I’m excited to be heading back out there. Such a long break from seeing my friends has made me realize that I still “need” to be there. I’m still very green in my recovery, and I feel like I need to stay in close contact with the Knolls. I know that probably sounds odd to many of you, but understand, for me the Knolls is where I restarted my life. I had obviously hoped that it was a restart to my marriage too, but that didn’t happen. Instead I restarted my life there although it's now a solo effort. So the couple of times a month that I head back to where it all started, are very important to me. I see my friends. I share my progress, and listen to the stories heart-wrenching stories of others. I now try to give back by helping people that are in just as bad of shape as I was a year ago, or even worse. I have a deep compassion and empathy for those that have suffered through living through their partner’s, or child’s, or even their grandchild’s alcoholism and addiction. It's excruciating to say the least, and if I can give back by providing a little bit of help through the knowledge that I've gained during the last year, then I'm ready and willing.
So tomorrow I’ll migrate back to where many things started and to where one thing ended. While I ride out there tomorrow morning I’ll think about what happened to my marriage, and how alcoholism played a role in its demise. On my way home I’ll think about my new life, and how rich it can be if I just take things one day at a time. It’s been hard during the past year to separate the past from the future, but I’m going to keep on trying to find my way one pedal stroke at a time, and one mile after another until I arrive.
As I was tidying up my desk today I found a note that I wrote to myself while I was talking to “N” by phone during her second month's stay at the rehab facility. It’s a reminder to me of so many things, not the least of which is how hard I tried to make our marriage work. It was also a reminder of precisely why I need to stay close to Al-anon and the Knolls. The photo tells the story. I was a nice little puppy dog that was retrieving what was requested. I've now seen so many others like me doing the same thing. For those of you that are in a relationship with an alcoholic, remember this, never do for the alcoholic what they can do for themselves. It's very, very important to understand that concept, for you, and for them.
Distance: 18.05 miles
Calories burned: 1,400
Time: 1:49:03 hours
Elevation gain: 2,363 ft
Garmin Connect ride details: http://connect.garmin.com/activity/22011750
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