Day 170: A leisurely Saturday Ride up on Mount Tamalpais

It’s been getting colder each day as we head towards next week’s “storm door” opening. The weathermen call it that because the jet stream lowers from the north and the storms begin to swing straight into the Bay Area. I should find myself cold and wet on more than one of my rides next week.

Today’s temps while in the sun were in the low 50’s, and they felt even colder than that given that there was a lot of moisture in the air. It’s funny how moisture can make any given day seem some ten degrees colder. It’s akin to wind chill in Chicago.

Today I had the pleasure to ride with my friend “C” who was willing to brave the cold day while riding. We left Mill Valley at around 1:00 pm, and after the temps had finally reached slightly a bit over 50 degrees. I was bundled up in some pretty heavy duty winter gear, but still not the warmest stuff that I have. I’ll wait until next week before I break that clothing out, and I'll definitely need by then.

We planned on riding up to the West Point Inn via Railroad Grade, that has greatafternoon exposure to the sun, and I had hoped that would keep us warm as we rode. As we rode along there was quite a chilly bite to the air. As I type this posting, some two hours later, my fingers and toes are still numb.

We talked as we rode up thehill. We quickly reached what is a little known landmark these days. The “McKinley Cut,” that is hand painted on the side of a large rock formation. It’s just off to the side of the trail on Railroad Grade. The “Cut” refers to the human effort that it took cut through the mountain by hand in order to lay down the railroad tracks that wound their way all of the way to Mount Tamalpais’ East Peak. On May 8th 1901, William McKinley was scheduled to ride the railroad, and in anticipation, the rock was painted and named for that portion of the railway in our President's  honor. The photo shows you what it looks like today.

“C” and I stopped a bit further up the trail for some food, and a quick reheating in the sun, before heading back up the trail. There were a lot of people on the mountain, although most of them were hikers. As we rode up the hill I said hello to everyone that we passed, or that passed us, and I’m still surprised by how many people don’t respond to a simple and friendly hello. Why is that?

We stopped at the West Point Inn for a cup of apple cider and a rest on the porch. It’s so lovely up there, even when it’s cold to the bone. There was a family having a children's birthday party on the picnic benches, and also many mountain bikers resting before heading off to their next stop. There were of course hikers coming and going too. It was a lovely day until we had to ride back down. You see, riding downhill when it’s cold, can chill you to the bone in a matter of minutes. Today was no different. By the time that we made it back to Mill Valley, we were chilled through and through. My toes and fingertips are still cold in spite of having my heater cranked. I’m cold…

“C,” thanks for all of the fun today!

Distance: 11.39 miles

Calories burned: 873

Time: 1:09:31 hours

Elevation gain: 1,197 ft

Garmin Connect ride details: http://connect.garmin.com/activity/20105401

Day 169: Helping Others

Helping others that have suffered at the hands of alcoholism is a key component to one’s own recovery. Today I had the opportunity to help someone that has endured years of abuse through her family’s alcoholism. It’s so unfortunate how families can be torn apart by this disease.

I walked in the door of the church where today’s Al-anon meeting was being held, and I tried to remember exactly what it was like for me when I walked in there for the very first time nearly one year ago to the day. I remember being frightened, ashamed, and feeling lower than low. I also had absolutely no idea of what to expect.

A lot of focus is placed on “newcomers” at meetings, and perhaps more so than many can effectively take, or become comfortable with receiving. During my first meeting I was glad to be surrounded by others like me, but I was also feeling obligated to share my story, and I simply wasn’t ready to do that. Don’t get me wrong, one is never required or pressured to share, but I personally would have felt awkward if I hadn't shared a bit of my story. Keep in mind, I’d been an intensely private person up until that point in my life. The fact is, the Al-anon attendees are simply trying to be warm, inviting, and attentive to those that are in the midst of their trouble with their alcoholic.

So today was a wonderful day at many levels. It was great to help a friend, and to provide some hope to a person that I think was feeling a bit hopeless. One day at a time. "M," thanks for joining me at today's meeting.

Distance: 17.85 miles
Calories burned: 1,639
Time: 1:39:25 hours
Elevation gain: 2,212 ft
Garmin Connect ride details: http://connect.garmin.com/activity/20052922

Day 168: A Lunch Time Quickie

I had the pleasure of riding with a couple of my friends from WTB today. “F” and “G” are great riders from two different genres of riding. “F” goes back to the beginning basically, and is just a few years older than me, whereas “G” is 10 years younger, and new-school inhis riding style. “F” was riding on a rigid steel 29er, and “G” was riding a light full suspension bike with five inches of travel. It was the old style riding along with the new today. I was riding my Superheavy which is somewhat in between the two, but my riding style leans more towards the old-school than the new. We did a ride today that we’ve done a couple of times now during the lunch hour. It’s a quick ride at just over an hour in length, but it’s something that can be done at a fast pace, and without stopping. That’s exactly what we were doing today; however I was riding slowly on the descents. I’m still minding my ribs which are starting to feel much better now.

It’s so nice for me to be in good enough condition again to be able to hang with these guys on the climbs, and while carrying on conversations. It used to absolutely suck to be left in the dust as they’d climb ahead of me. Don’t get me wrong, they could still beat me to the top of a given climb if they put their minds to it, but for the purpose of riding together I don’t think that I’m holding them up anymore. Yahoo! It was a fun ride that was chocked full of spirited ascents and descents, and beautiful scenery that we’re lucky to have this late in the fall. Next week the rains return and I’m going to be put to the test again. I’m ready, I think.

Distance: 11.39 miles Calories burned: 873 Time: 1:09:31 hours Elevation gain: 1,197 ft Garmin Connect ride details: http://connect.garmin.com/activity/20008049

Day 167: Riding Up Mount Diablo with Melvis

After feeling the need to do some deep reflection yesterday, and writing about it afterwards, I’m happy to take a deep breath today and keep things light. I was invited out to a client’s offices in the East Bay today in order to help them learn about a new system that will manage their Web site. In planning any venture out to the East Bay I try to work in a ride with my friends that live out there. The riding isn’t quite as varied as the riding is in Marin, but they do have great rides like the one that Melvis and I did up on Mount Diablo today. There’s also the Morgan Territory ride that I did several weeks back, and that’s a glorious ride on the back side of Mount Diablo. Today we rode from Melvis’ house in Concord CA, and headed over to the North Gate of Mount Diablo State Park. There are two main routes up the mountain, and this one is the harder of the two climbs that lead up to the Junction where the two roads collide. They become one road that's a heinous 7.2 mile climb up to the summit. As we left Melvis’ house I wasn’t feeling great. I got to sleep late, and was up early answering Email. I was even too busy to eat breakfast at home, so I hit Starbucks on the way out of town. We began climbing over the rolling hills that lead to the sustained six or seven mile climb up to the Junction. My legs were feeling dodgy at best, especially my left one. I think that I know why...

Melvis informed me that we were about to reach the beginning of the long climb (he knows the mountain much better than I do), and I was really feeling quite anxious about the ascent. As we began climbing I reminded myself to find a rhythm in my pedaling. I hit the first out-of-the-saddle portion of the climb and I attacked it with confidence. Then I did the same thing on the next one. By the time that I had hit Burma ( a nasty little section) my legs were feeling better, so I kept on chugging up the mountain. I had lost contact with Melvis, at least I no longer heard him breathing behind me. When I reached the switchbacks where it is easy to look back, I saw him about a quarter mile behind. He was ticking over the pedals just fine, so I kept on going. I reached the second nasty part of the climb and I went at it with gusto, but this time my legs barked back at me like a Rottweiler in a junk yard. I backed off and spun my cranks the rest of the way up to the Junction where I basked in the sun while I waited for Melvis to arrive. I think that he had regained some time on me during the second half of the climb. ;-)

After a brief stop, we plummeted back down the mountain to the bicycle shop of choice in the East Bay, Pegasus Bicycle Works. I can tell you this, these guys rock! I’ve been in their shop dozens of times, and I’ve never seen a customer waiting, or tapping their feet, or perhaps feeling ignored, AND their clients never get attitude. Instead they get help. We visited for a while before making the long and flat journey back to Concord where we’d started. It’s funny, we were doing 20-24 mph the whole way back, and that’s not too bad for two guys that are on the back side of their 40’s. Yahoo… Melvis, thanks for the fun ride today!

Distance: 40.41 miles Calories burned: 2,731 Time: 2:38:26 hours Elevation gain: 2,757 ft Garmin Connect ride details: http://connect.garmin.com/activity/19969537

Day 166: Happy Birthday for Two

It’s been a day filled with reflection for me. You see, it was one year ago today that I packed “N’s” bags into the back of our station wagon and then drove her out to Serenity Knolls. In the end she would stay there for two months of treatment. It’s simply hard for me to believe that it’s been a year since that day. After going through the whole check-in process, and after writing a huge check for the first month’s stay, we were led back to the main foyer where “N” looked me in the eyes, kissed me, and then gave me a warm and loving goodbye hug. Little did I know then that was the beginning of the end of our marriage, relationship, and friendship that had spanned some thirteen years. On that day in December, I had no idea that my life would begin to return to normal (whatever that is), but it did. As I left the rehab facility that day, a deep and dark feeling of failure came over me. I felt like I had failed my wife. As her husband I felt that I should have been able to help her on my own. I know now of course that I hadn’t failed her in that way, but I did fail myself by letting my world become so focused on her. In the end, I couldn’t even recognize myself. I could barely even remember what it was like to be me. In retrospect it’s truly amazing.

On that day I made the long drive home to my dogs, Tugboat and Fifi, and then I basically broke down. It was a very, very dark moment for me. I had never felt so depressed, so alone, and like such an absolute failure ever before in my life. That night I began to keep a journal that I had hoped to someday share with “N.” Alas that day will now never come. Here’s an excerpt from what I wrote that night. It’s the intro, and the end, with the middle removed: December 1st 2008 "I dropped “N” off today. It was one of the darkest days of my life. I feel like I have failed her, and to a certain degree I feel like a contributed to her illness…. …One last thing, Yoda asked me today, "Who is the person that you're closest to in your life?" The answer was simple, “N” (I drew a heart next to her name before finishing the journal entry)."

From that day forward I turned to my in-laws for even more support than they’d already been giving me, and they were there for me. I slowly began to turn to my closest friends so that I could lean on them too. Gradually I began to open up, and no longer hide, or even lie about what my life had become by living with an alcoholic. It was and is a slow process to return myself to health. I had been telling myself for weeks that as soon as “N” went into rehab, that I would begin my own return to health. It was during one of those first few days that I hit a personal rock bottom. I was clearly suffering from situational depression. I was overweight, and frankly, I was overcome with the grief from years and years of one death after another in my family. I lost three of the five animals pictured in this posting, my mother and father, and my adopted Grandmother, "Granny," who called me her Big Boy. And then there's Fifi (pictured above), my little girl that I loved and cared for. She's still with us, but now lives with "N" some 40 miles from here. I miss my little girl.

During the years I had become a stranger to myself. I knew that I wanted to return to my former self, but I literally couldn’t remember who I used to be. In retrospect, I’ll never, ever be that person again, but that’s because I’ve grown stronger through my new life and journey. I remember clearly that a few days after “N” went into rehab, I was returning from our laundry room, and I peeked into the little room where I store my bikes. I don’t know what it was that drew me to them, but I went in and looked around. Perhaps being around them was jogging my memory of my love for two wheels, being outdoors, and maybe even the memory of that first time that I rode my bike along Upper Happy Valley Road on my way to my elementary school in Lafayette, CA. I felt so incredibly free that day. So who knows for certain what drew me back to my bikes, but that day I finished my laundry, and then found my cycling gear. I could barely fit into my cycling shorts while trying to get them over my fat belly and thighs, before I headed out for my first a ride in a long time. I rode up Railroad Grade to Double Bow Knot that day. I’m not kidding you when I say this; I almost had a heart attack just getting there, and I was only spinning in my granny gear! I was frightened, happy, sad, and energized all at once. You see, it was on that day that I began to remember myself. I had always been a healthy and active human being, but the tentacles of alcoholism are strong, and they had sucked me into a world that was not my own, nor one that I care to ever see or live in again.

So how am I today? Well I can tell you a few anecdotal tales. For example, that ride that almost killed me one year ago to this day is now barely even enough of a ride to warm me up. Twelve months ago I weighed about 215-220 lbs. Today I weighed myself in at 172 lbs. I still have some body fat, but it’s slowly melting away as I continue to pedal forward. Some of the ailments that had routinely aggravated me a year ago such as, blurred vision, chronic knee pain, mobility issues, foot problems, and the list goes on, are now literally gone. I looked in the mirror today and I see myself again. There was a time when I looked in the mirror and I didn’t even recognize myself. What I’ve described above is just the physical return to health. I’ve also gone through a magnificent return to health in every other area of my life. My friends have returned to me, and I to them. My family is connected to me again, and I’m making new friends faster than I know how to keep track. That’s the good news about my recovery as an Al-Anoner. In Alcoholics Anonymous people celebrate their “birthdays,” meaning their sobriety dates. I admire and respect this act. In Al-anon we don’t get “chips,” nor do we get proper birthday celebrations. I think that this fact is unfortunate, and maybe I’ll find some way to change that in the future. I still believe, and this is of course a biased view, that those of us that have survived living with alcoholics have endured much more travesty and pain than those that have had to change their lives in order to leave alcohol behind. I’m sure that I just pissed off ten percent of the nation… It's just my opinion. Today I celebrated two birthdays on my ride, mine and “N’s.” Although “N” and I don’t speak, I still wish her a happy birthday. I wish myself an even bigger and happier birthday, as I know what I have endured since about 2000 when one thing after another began hit me. It’s really been more than one man should have to go through alone, or in one lifetime, but I have survived thus far. So today I celebrated two birthdays, although not with equal gusto. There are some of you that have been “extra special” friends to me since last year. No full names are allowed on R2R as you know, so please try to fill in the blanks, but then again, you already know who you are: G & C from MI, M, M, F, ,Infamous P, D, C, S, M, N, D, E, S, G, S, J, J, K, E. D. & H, J & S, and there are so many more. I’ll hopefully have a full list next June when I finish my rides. Anyway, thanks to all of you that have helped me during the last year. My journey isn’t over, and I hope to help as many others as I can along the way. I’ve been reminded repeatedly lately that, “It’s not a destination, it’s a journey.” Simply put, and incredibly accurate.

Distance: 17.62 miles Calories burned: 1,443 Time: 1:36:13 hours Elevation gain: 1,997 ft Garmin Connect ride details: http://connect.garmin.com/activity/19921263

Day 165: Nursing my Ribs

My ribs are feeling better, however, even watching a funny movie (lots of laughing) last night made them aggravated by the time that I awoke this morning. I can’t wait until they’re fully healed. I realized today that I’ve been in pain, or sick, for over 45 days, and that’s just not right. I took it easy again today. I did a really easy ride out to Tiburon and back. AKA, the Paradise Loop. It was another gorgeous day today. The temperatures were in the upper 60’s, and the sun was shining without a cloud in the sky. With the exception of a few storms, I've had amazing weather thus far on my ride to recovery. As I rode today I thought about tomorrow. It’s the one-year mark of the beginning of my own recovery, and also “N's,” and it’s saddening to think that there should have been a joint celebration for us, but instead it will be a much different affair. I know exactly how I want to celebrate the day, and hopefully things will pan out in the way that I hope. I can’t believe that it’s been one year since that dark day; one of the very darkest for me.

Today my lower body felt strong and rested, and very eager to get back to doing longer and harder rides, but my upper body was still barking back at me anytime that I applied some effort to the handlebars. Side to side, and out of the saddle riding is still painful. Some genius doctor needs to figure out a way to heal ribs quickly. The whole “you can’t do anything for ribs” thing seems antiquated to me (BTW, the picture to the left was taken two days ago). Tomorrow should be an interesting day of reflection for me, and one that I look forward to, and then of course, I don’t really want to revisit one of the darkest days of my life one year later. We’ll see how it goes tomorrow. Wish me luck… Road, or mountain, my ribs will make tomorrow's call?

Distance: 21.25 miles Calories burned: 1,307 Time: 1:23:29 hours Elevation gain: 685 ft Garmin Connect ride details: http://connect.garmin.com/activity/19878759

Day 164: Healing My Ribs and Having Fun Too

The voices of my friends were clear with me this morning as I began making my riding plans. I had already opted out of riding with friends at Rockville State Park. Just the fact that the park is named “Rockville” tells one with broken ribs to stay away, so I did. That said, we’re all gathering there next Sunday instead. I not only didn't meet up with my friends at Rockville this morning, but I also slept in again, and then I even took a midday nap before heading out for my ride. I’ve been feeling quite lazy during the past couple of days. I think that my injuries, along with my daily rides, have had an effect on my sleeping patterns, and now my body just needs rest!. I’ve slept past 9:00 am for two days in a row, and that’s not normal for me. Tonight I’ll set an alarm, and that’s never been necessary before, but I need to be up early since I have a ton of work to get done in the coming week. Uuugh. I had a nice ride up the hill this afternoon. The temperatures were above average for this time of year. I felt so fortunate to be riding in shorts and a jersey today. It’s not what I had expected, and I'm bracing myself for January and February which are right around the corner. It's those winter months that may truly kick my butt.

The moon was out this afternoon in its full glory. Not quite a full moon, but pretty darn close. There’s something nice about the moon being out during the day, and with a deep blue sky as it's backdrop. My regular camera died on me today, so I apologize for the cruddy snapshots that I took with my Blackberry phone. It was better than nothing, and at least you can get the gist of the lovely view. I watched a lovely film with a friend tonight, but that has unfortunately caused my ribs to hurt. ;-) Just kidding, or not really. Anyway, I recommend watching Lars and the Real Girl. It is a hoot, and way over the top.

Distance: 17.42 miles Calories burned: 1,519 Time: 1:41:09 hours Elevation gain: 2,138 ft Garmin Connect ride details: http://connect.garmin.com/activity/19841724